Feedback is NOT a gift
Among the many well-intentioned but useless management euphamisms, none approaches the ubiquity and wrongness of “Feedback is a Gift.”
Speaking about feedback like it’s a gift is guaranteed to create a culture where people don’t give enough of it, don’t give it honestly, and don’t give it when you need it most.
I learned that the hard way.
Why didn’t you tell me earlier?
Over my dozen years at Endeavor, I thought I was doing all the right things to invite feedback.
Sending out strategy documents and asking for comments.
Interviewing executives and staff every year about their perceptions of my department.
Wrapping up calls with: “Any feedback for me?”
When I left I figured, “Okay, here’s my chance for true, unvarnished truth.” I needed the kind of candor that would prepare me for whatever came next. So I set up a dozen user research calls to examine myself.
I gave people a list of leadership attributes, asked them to rate me 1–5 against a high standard of excellence, and I told them: “Be brutally honest.”
Well, they were and it hurt. Teammates whom I had worked closely with gave me some twos. People with whom I had a candid, no-bullshit relationship with, pointed out shortcomings I hadn’t recognized. One colleague praised my thirst for feedback only to then point out (correctly, I may add) things I could have done differently!
The good question is: Why had I not received this feedback before?
My answer is that I had treated feedback like a gift, not a workout, and that is a huge problem.
Why the “gift” analogy fails
1. It puts the initiative in the wrong place
Unless you’re my toddler, you don’t go around asking for gifts. People just kind of… give them to you! But feedback is too important to sit around waiting for. You have to hunt it down.
2. It trivializes the sting
Everyone likes gifts. Only psychopaths like criticism.
Yes, in the long run, we might appreciate it but in the moment, feedback can trigger a flurry of defensive thoughts:
“You don’t have the full context!”
“I’ve already tried that!”
We don’t have to glorify the pain, but we can’t ignore it.
3. It ignores the giver’s psychology
Gifts are easy to give. Feedback isn’t.
Even people who want to be helpful are often too awkward, afraid or just busy to deliver it. If feedback were truly “free to give,” you’d be getting it every week. You’re not.
Don’t take my word for it. Read this recent Harvard Business Review article that recaps just how reluctant people are to give feedback.
“We all like to think of ourselves as someone who would give someone constructive feedback, but the study suggests that even in a low-cost situation, most people don’t,” says Francesca Gino, the Tandon Family Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School.
4. It makes feedback rare
If it’s a “gift,” it’s something you receive once or twice a year, like birthdays and holidays. That’s not enough to change behavior or careers for that matter.
A better analogy: Feedback is a workout
When someone joins a company, they sign up to be both the trainer and the trainee with other employees. That should be part of the explicit social contract.
1. Both sides have obligations
If you don’t show up to the gym, your trainer can’t help you. If you don’t actively ask for feedback, don’t expect it to arrive. But when someone does show up, the “trainer” owes them their best effort.
2. Pace matters
A good trainer doesn’t start a beginner with 30‑lb curls. Similarly, you can’t expect someone to go from no feedback to a flood of criticism overnight. Sometimes observation and small adjustments work better than an overwhelming “feedback dump.”
3. Specificity matters
You work out with the intention to focus on a specific group of muscles that day. The same holds for feedback. Asking for feedback, without specifying what you want feedback on is close to pointless.
And sometimes the trainer isn’t in shape
Admittedly, this whole workout analogy breaks down in one important respect. You never get a flabby physical trainer. And so allow me a mixed metaphor to say that sometimes feedback is like a doctor’s visit, where the doc tells you to exercise more and chill it on the DoorDash orders. And while you’re hearing this guidance you can’t help but notice his own protruding belly.
You think, Really? You’re telling me this?
The same thing happens with feedback.
The unstrategic person tells you to be more strategic.
The long‑winded colleague says you’re too verbose.
Your first instinct is to dismiss them.
But that’s exactly the moment to remember one of my favorite pieces of Jewish wisdom:
בֶּן זוֹמָא אוֹמֵר, אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם, הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם
Ben Zoma says: “Who is the wise one? The one who learns from every person.”
This sage from 2,000 years ago probably wasn’t thinking about navigating the corporatae world, but the principle applies perfectly. Wisdom isn’t about who is speaking; it’s about your willingness to learn, regardless of the source.
The takeaway
If you want to grow, stop treating feedback like a rare, delicate present.
Treat it like exercise:
Show up by seeking it out actively.
Do the work by applying it, even when it hurts.
Keep the tempo and remember regular reps matter more than occasional bursts.
Be specific by asking good and specific questions on what can be improved.
Listen past the messenger because even imperfect givers can deliver spot‑on truths.
Feedback isn’t a gift. It’s a workout. Now get in shape.
